Fact: Recently-uncovered fossil evidence suggests that the Gnarwhal was one of the first species to migrate to land from the ocean. Curiously, the period of land adaptation was immediately followed by what some scientists call a "hasty, almost cowardly" retreat back to the ocean from which they came.
Fact: Despite its long standing as an officially-recognized nation, Gnargonia has never been invited to participate in Olympic competition of any kind. Informed of this oversight, the International Olympic Committee in 2006 expressed "deep apathy" towards the plight of the Gnarwhal athletes.
FACT: Gnarwhal have developed fingers and opposable thumbs, but they are lodged deep within the Gnarwhal rib cage.
FACT: The great Gnarwhal philosopher, Gneil the Sage (named for his wisdom as well as his greenish tint (due to a lifelong struggle against Reverse Chlorosis)), once developed an ironclad a priori proof of God's existence, which he presented at a conference in Rome. During the Q&A following the lecture, another philosopher asked how he could justify believing in God when Gnarwhal exist. Gneil the Sage, in tears, conceded that he "had not considered that point" and promptly dropped his defeated proof in the garbage.
FACT: The luckiest Gnarwhal in recorded history, Gnathaniel the Fortunate, is said to have briefly dated a 7 while, by all accounts, he was no more than a 5 himself.
FACT: The Great Depression was caused largely by Gnarwhal. For some reason Herbert Hoover, because of his appreciation for all things pathetic, left the Federal Reserve in the hands (fins) of a pair of twin Gnarwhal with economic degrees. Under the control of gnar-twins the Federal Reserve's prime interest was as unpredictable as the the swimming pattern of a Gnarwhal leaving investors terrified of the US stock exchange.
FACT: Gnarwhal excrete a large amount of saliva-like liquid which is highly addictive, but unlike most drugs leaves the user extremely depressed and uncertain. Addicts who were able to restrain from ingesting said saliva for period of time and then fell back into their old habits were said to have "fallen off the gnarwhagon."
Fact: Every gnarwhal gene is recessive.
Fact: Gnarwhals were hunted to near extinction by Arctic tribes who believed their horns could be ground into a powder and used as a "reverse aphrodesiac".
Fact: Gnarwhals are more likely to be struck by lightning than any other animal. Scientists don't know for certain, but the leading theory is that they are just unlucky.
Fact: First spotted off the coast of Peru during the Peruvian Civil War of 1658 (or the War of Northern Peruvian Aggression, as it's known in Southern Peru), the name Gnarwhal comes from the ancient Peruvian word gnarwhalia, meaning "God's embarrassment."
Fact: Despite their large size (an adult gnarwhal can weigh up to 1.5 tons), the gnarlwhal have developed the habit of engaging in a parasitic relationship with fish several times smaller than themselves rather than finding their own food source.
Fact: The gnarwhal, with its peculiar combination of long life and a complete lack of defensive capabilities, have long since puzzled marine biologists accustomed to seeing such aquatic life weeded out by evolution. Top theorists cite the gnarwhal's tough, unsavory meat as their prime mode of survival.
fact: it is currently in vogue for some of the wealthiest gnarwhals to maintain dogs as pets
fact: the great gnarwhal rapper of all time, Gnarky Gnar Whalberg, had his music banned from the airwaves (and seawaves) due to an injuction from Mark Wahlberg so you will never get to hear it
fact: the oceans of the world were originally fresh water, but have become increasingly salty owing to the fact that gnarwhals cry so frequently
fact: aside from crippling depression, the leading cause of death for gnarwhals is swimming too steeply towards the ocean floor, where their tusk gets stuck and they eventually starve
Fact: The seventh leading cause of death of gnarwhals is high blood pressure. Leading marine biologists have tried to combat this over the last decade, but befitting the perpetually unlucky gnarwhal, blood pressure medication is like kryptonite to a gnarwhal.
Fact: Gnarwhal are notorious for running up high therapy bills because of their predilection for melancholia. Unfortunately, for those in the mental health field, gnarwhal society is completely absent of any industry leaving no money by which to pay said mental health professionsals. After years of being stiffed by gnarwhals for therapy sessions the American Pyschology Association in 2006 officially declared that no Gnarwhal shall be treated unless payment in full is made up front. Coincidentally, 2006 was also the year that the Oxford English Dictionary added to its official lexicography the verb "gnarwhalled" which means to be denied payment for professional services performed.
Fact: Despite the rather large phallic like growth on their heads, 87% of adult male gnarwhal have been diagnosed with ED.
FACT: Gnarwhal are not naturally monogamous, but intercourse between gnarwhal is such a disaster that any gnarwhal that does it once is too emotionally scarred to try it again.
FACT: A restaurant in Manhattan once introduced a sandwich called the Gnarwhal on its menu as a way to make the rest of the sandwiches sound better. Years later, an artist ordered a Gnarwhal sandwich as part of an avant-garde performance art piece, only to be told by the owner that he had never bothered to decide what would go into such a sandwich, believing nobody would ever order one.
FACT: The gnar-grunge band Gnarvana holds a unique place in music history. Among all gnarwhal bands, theirs is the only lead singer not to have killed himself.
Fact: William Shakespeare wrote The Taming of the Shrew to be performed by an all Gnarwhal cast. During the original run, he discovered that one of the players was actually a Beluga with a tree branch strapped to its forehead. Furious, The Bard turned his back on the Gnarwhal and the theatre community followed suit. To this day, no one dares cast a Gnarwhal for fear of provoking Shakespeare's unholy wrath from beyond the grave.
Fact: The enormous tusk was adapted as a conversation piece to battle the perpetual plague of depression and loneliness under which all Gnarwhal suffer. However, Nature severely underestimated the rest of the world's steadfast disinterest in all things Gnarwhal.
Fact: Gary Larson originally wanted to call his comic The Gnar Side, but he decided Gnarwhals were "just too wacky for [him]".